The Snap

A couple of days ago, I decided to switch mental health clinics. The initial appointment was brutal. I had to take a pass on the trauma questions. I have to do them later but it was just too much to handle right then. I was not prepared, but then again I never truly am.

Let me tell you how this happened. We will skip the "I knew something was going wrong months ago so now I am ripping apart my own reality" phase. I will get right into where the snap happened. We can cover the beginning and middle later.

at about 2:00 AM one night, I was feeling terrible. I waited it out and tried to sleep it off. The next morning, I was in the emergency room by my own choice. That is not a choice I make often without strong encouragement. By the end of that Sunday, I had two important things happen: I found out I have a cardiac ischemia and I was taken off the schedule at work.

Some people gossip that I was fired but the manager insists that I was a no-call, no-show and that I voluntarily revoked my own position.The kicker was having a doctor's note stating I was not allowed to return to work until the next day. It was immediately sent to the manager. The double irony? Said manager claims to also have a heart problem.

Yes, I asked for my job back. I did so on more than one occassion. The manager said she would try. She said she would schedule a time for us to sit down with the owner and talk. I have picked up both of my final checks and turned in my work clothes. I have not seen her. The owner refused to speak to me. I never heard back about the job I illegally lost.

After finding out about the ischemia, I told my psychiatrist. He took me off of all my psychiatric medications during that very appointment. He perscribed all new ones. I went off of antipsychotics and stiulant ADHD medications cold turkey and all at once. I was told I would feel "out of sorts" for a few days but that it "will be fine". I was tolf to "write it out".

The new medications obviously did not take effect before the old ones wore off. This resulted in a psychotic break that gave me rare moments of clarity. I lost control of a deeply buried secret: an alternate personality. I unleashed that beast on the adult whom I love most in this world. She was utterly cruel to him. He did not deserve that.

During the night that I switched, I drank in excess once again. I did not sleep. I cut my arm and I cried. At some point, I had a moment where the true me had come through the fog. I found myself digging through garbage whilst looking for the disguarded Abilify bottle. I took one more than I was previously instructed to, making for a total of three tablets. 15mg. I have taken the perscribed dose every single evening sincce that moment.

After a couple of days, I made my intake appointment at a new clinic in town. I was told many things during that 2.5 hour appointment. The most helpful was that I should certainly keep taking the Abilify until I am able to see the doctor.

I was referred to therapy. The previous location had wait-listed me for months and could not tell me when I would be able to get in. I was given a new caseworker. I was assigned a nurse. And I was given the next available appointment with a psychiatrist.

I was gifted hope.

I was told my worst fears are my own reality.

I was confused.